The Pretence

The game of pretence is one that no one can escape from. Its like a hard and fast rule that everyone's gotta follow, in this case, play. We've all had our own pretentious beings, that we carefully measured and created, decorated like the icing on the cake and finally presented to whosoever we wanted to. But the fact behind all pretention is this particular "whosoever" we mentioned.





Who is this "whosoever" that we have to pretend for? and why? and how do we even agree to this pretext? Well, its one of those times, when either you dont have any sense, or if you do, you dont know how to put it to effective use. So, the whole idea becomes so fascinating, like a new barbie doll for a 10 yr old girl, that we fall for it. We buy the concept, like a new pair of shoes, thinking we ought to have it and we cant do without it. It brings to life the hidden feeling of complex within ourselves, when we see the competition out there with so many others already wearing those beautifully crafted masks and leaving the perfect impression. Well, if they can, why can't we?





And so begins the story of being someone else, pretending to be somebody we are not, but somebody that will be liked by almost everyone, particularly the "whosoever". The whole theory behind being likeable is a natural one. I mean who doesn't wanna be liked? and who likes being rejected, for whatever reason it may be? We do it cos it helps, maybe not in real, but psychologically, it does big time.





We sit back n think, about what or who we could pretend to be, somebody famous we know? or somebody we met that left a lasting impression? or perhaps someone who's an idol? or maybe just someone who in no way resembles us!! well, to summarize, it can be anyone as long as its not us ourselves! So, we are scared to be what we are, afraid that people might hate us if they knew us in real.

We, informally and unofficially, create our pseudo beings, the better us. And all this trouble just to be likeable. Imagine the pain, the tension, the nerve and the complex this creates. Especially if even the pseudo me is not accepted anywhere. So what do we do? We put our very best efforts to improve this pseudo guy, still him not our own self, so that somehow it is liked and accepted. What a waste of effort? Had we put half the efoort in improving ourselves, maybe things could have turned around. But we don't do that. Why? Because in this fight of being liked by people, being accepted in this society, we forget to like ourselves, to appreciate our own true being. We only are the real critics of ourselves. Its we who don't like us, all others around might still do, but we will never accept it. Its such a ridiculous theory!!

But, as they say, the game is never over until someone wins it. And so we all keep on playing, never letting either anybody else to win, or ourselves to quit.. this game of unending pretence and drama. Had we worked half of it on ourselves, life would have been much easy and better, rather than an endless battle of beings.

Far and Away....

Back when i was a kid, i used to crave to be left alone, on my own. I used to dream of a life away from home, from family and friends and relatives, a life where no one would interfere in what i do, no one to tell me now and then about what's right and what's not, no one that i would have to depend on for anything. I wanted to be free.. to be independant.. live by myself. I wanted to make the choices of my life, to decide my good myself, to plan my life myself... actually to live for myself.. only myself. I used to be so preoccupied with these dreams, and so i loved it, that i hated to come back to reality, wherein i still lived with my parents and they decided what's good for me, what's right for me and how i'm supposed to live.

And so in my final years of schooling, i decided i won't pursue further studies in my hometown. My desperation to leave home was so at par that i even forgot to apply to colleges outside my hometown.. and guess what, i had no choice but to land up in one of the colleges there itself. So here i was, "stuck at home", for another whole 4 years. Call it my bad luck or my stupidity, i was stuck..(atleast that's how i felt). As time went by, i actually started believing that my dream wont ever come true, that i'll never get a chance to be by myself anywhere away from home. My dream started to fade away...

And then came a twisty climax in my last days of college. I got hired to a company that would take me far away from home, coz it had no branches there. WOW!!.. my conscience actually said that for sure. So it was finally happening? I was getting a valid chance and reason to leave my home and live on my own.. Unbelievable as it may seem, things suddenly worked perfectly as i always anticipated, and i was going away... away chasing my long lost dream!

Lets step into my present now.. the brutal phase of my life :
It hasn't been very long since i left home, merely 10 months, and i have already learnt the lessons of my life. I've come to the realization of probably the biggest mistake i ever made. I've been living in Chennai for the past 10 months, switched home once here too, lived with a variety of different people, got to know a hell lot of varities of people and lets say have practically settled here with my work. But..... yes, there is a "BUT" in this story : I feel terrible (to say the least).

If i go back to my childhood again and recall, there had been times when i was left all alone because of a fight or difference of opinions and i used to feel bad about that..now if i compare those times to my present situation, "feeling bad about it" would be a total understatement!! There's no need to remember, i know deep inside my heart, i've never been this lonely in life.. alone..

I chased my dream and came this far.. away from my home, living in someone else's on rent.. away from my stuff, except for all what i brought with me.. away from my parents and sisters, living with roomies i practically and honestly dont know till date...away from the security my family gave to me, the people i live with can't be trusted beyond a certain extent...away from relatives and friends that used to drop by now and then, there's not even the slightest possibility of seeing someone here that resembles someone i know... away from places i used to hang out at, the stupid beaches and malls are not even close to meet those expectations... away from the life i had back at home, cos this i live now ain't really life and if it is, then i ain't me anymore!

Life sucks sometimes!! Badly! Not because of work, my work's great, couldn't have expected a better professional start anywhere else.. its my personal life that sucks. Back at home, i had no worries of who's gonna take care of my stuff, my food, my clothes, anything else i need, the bills, the monthly budgets.. nothing at all.. it was all understandably taken care of by my parents. But here, the whole thing has come down onto guess whom? ME, ofcourse. What groceries i need, where i'm gonna eat, what i'm gonna eat, when will i wash my clothes, how much is the electricity bill, where it is to be paid, how do we pay the rent, how much is the security deposit, what happens of the rent contract, how to take care of travel expenses, how to plan savings etc etc etc... I have to think of all this and more. God, the very recall of these things made me sick!!

Every morning i wake up, the first thought i have is Oh shit! What will i make for lunch today.. there's nothing available, and bloody hell, what am i gonna wear.. nothing's ironed, and then holy crap, its already 9 and i have to be in office by 10!!! Can u beat that?

Well that sounded like a pretty unplanned life.. didn't it? I thought so too. So i started planning.. and guess what happened???

Every night i go home, if early before 9, i generally go for grocery shopping, picking food that'll be easier and quicker to make.. like obviously bread, butter, maggi etc etc.. and if late after 10(which i normally am), then i cook whatever is available, make arrangements for next day's lunch, iron my clothes beforehand, talk to mom and dad, discuss budgets with roomies, and then find the courage to sleep (which you can imagine when). That's planned enough, isn't it? Now try doing that everyday, 5 days a week, 20 days a month.. alongwith 10 hrs of work!! That's where the whole "life sucks" comes from!

And this is only the beginning, the upper layer of my troubles, there's more pain and sadness inside. I've been craving to go home since like almost 2 months now, craving to see my family, my friends, sleep on my bed, eat homemade food.. but i can't. And there are reasons for it : I have work pressure, i need a minimum of 2 weeks off, which is a total impossibility right now..the air fares are sky high like the aeroplane itself and i dont have that much money,..if i go by train, i need more vacation which is "Dont even think about", and i have no other way out!

So i'm stuck where i was, where i came on my own wish, chasing my dream.. far and away from everyone and evrything that i loved and could call my own, to where there's nothing and no one to love and feel belonged to. I've cried a million nights for lacking the sense of belonging to atleast something here.
Life in Chennai is great if with all this you can still call it LIFE!

The Stoned Silence

Ever came across a big stone Statue, placed in the very heart of a big garden? It's like the most prettiest and at the same time, the most saddest thing in all its surrounding. Prettiest.. can be understood.. but Saddest makes one wonder! Well, this big piece of stone, beautifully carved and nicely polished, is carefully brought and placed all alone in the center of a vast land.. isn't that sad?
People from all over the world come there. They see it standing.. some are awed by its beauty, some by its size, and some by its craftsmanship. Then there are some people that pass by this big piece of stone and don't even bother to turn and look at it, let alone throw in a word of appreciation. Then we have our all time critics, that no matter how perfect something may be, know how to find flaws in it. These are the ones from whom you can expect things like -"what a waste of space?", "Its nice but somehow not appropriate for this place", "Couldn't they find anything better?".. etc etc etc.

Now imagine the dogs, free to wander in parks, coming and peeing right next to this monument.. the birds taking break from their tiring flights, sitting and shitting on this huge mass!! Are you getting the crisis yet?
If not, then imagine our wonderful nature.. The bright sunny afternoons, no matter how bright, they are still full of scorching sun, and our stone man stands right under it all day. The beautiful awaited monsoons, reminding you of old movies and romantic songs.. u still got umbrellas handy if you don't wanna get wet, wish our stone hero had some shelter too! Finally, the shivering chilly winters, when we all snug under blankets in front of bonfires, and this lonely mass of stone still stands right there, with snow all over it.

Are we coming close to the dilemma? Can we feel the torture?
Has anyone ever seen it move, any part of it, or talk, or cry, or even laugh at times? No, cos it never did.. never got a chance to express how it feels, what it's been through.. never asked for mercy.. never got angry.. never cried, probably coz never felt the pain.. or probably cos the pain was so bad that it couldn't muster even a tear. No one cares, and that doesn't bother it, or even if it does, can it do something about it.. no, i guess! Did we ever think about it.. of course not.. and why should we? In fact the very first thing coming to your mind would be.. why the hell am i talking about the unexisting feelings of a stone statue?

I'll tell you why.. because, when i say all this, i put myself in place of this poor stone statue. Try it and you'll know. There comes a time in every one's life when a person feels like a lonely stone statue that no one cares about and who can't express anything it feels. A time when all hopes are lost, all joys are gone, even sadness disappears.. all that's left of everything is a void.. a void inside of us, with no trace of people around. there's no one to talk to, not even yourself, cos wen you do, all you get in response is a stark cold silence.. no word.. not even a syllable. You don't cry when u r hurt, you don't fight wen sum one throws a stone at you and you don't laugh wen some one in your vicinity cracks a joke.. all because you simply cant.. just like the statue.

This is when you actually understand the feeling of being lonely and lifeless. This is when your conscience stops talking to you. This is when all you get as a response to all your questions is a silence.. the Stoned Silence!