The twist of tales

Its been an extremely long time since i last wrote a blog.. or for that matter anything at all. Life's taken a toll on me.. u can catch that from the title itself! Its been busy, extremely actually. So much happened so soon, i never got time enough to catch my breath inbetween. Its been one hell of a ride.. and to my disappointment, not an enjoyable one. There has been so much activity going on, one after another, that i barely got time to summarize any of it.
Last year, around the same time, i'd been a genuinely happy person, quite content with the series of things that had been happening, my work, my further studies, my personal life, family, friends.. precisely everything was going just as it should have been.. to the mark. And just like any other sane human being, i had been busy making plans.. BIG plans.. for myself, my life, my home, my parents.. And come to think of it, i now realize when a person really starts planning ahead in life.. taking a leap into the future and wondering how things will be.. WHEN everything in his present, in his today, is going perfect! Thats when he has no worries for today, no issues to be solved today, no conflicts unresolved.. when he's content with his present life. AND its precisely this moment in your life, when God, or time, or fate, or destiny, or whatever name you wanna give it.. has planned something different for you, something you never could anticipate.. something you never thought could happen to you.. something that with just one blow turns around the entire game back.. its like just when u thot u were winning, u lose!
This is what happened with me.. n this is how...
I had been living away from home since almost 1.5 yrs then.. been doing well at work.. been enjoying life selfishly.. no worries at all.. had enrolled myself to distance learning education.. well, i had the time, so i thot y not use it well.. for myself again.. It had been an interesting lifestyle.. late mornings.. late hrs at office.. late night movies.. partying with roomies n frends.. it was funtime all along. Lets say, it was one of those content times in my life.. when everything in my present was perfect.. just the time when i was beginning to plan for my tomorrow.. when i am made to realize that i was wrong. Everything in my present ain't perfect.. and they conveniently forgot to mention.. it'll never be.
In a very short and abrupt span of time, i found out that my dad was suffering with a kind of cancer. The mere transfer of this knowledge into me, broke me apart! If there's one person i've truly loved and cared for in this life, for the whole of it that i've lived, that was my DAD. He wasn't just the father i loved.. he was the person i admired.. more like idolized, and felt honoured when people told me i resembled him a lot. And yes we did look a lot alike.. and thats just what people saw.. i knew better.. we didn't just look alike, we had a lot of traits in common. Being his daughter, i had inherited more than his looks.. and i felt so proud of that fact. My dad had been my unsung hero.. if ever given a choice to pick a father for another life.. i'll blindly point at him.
It took me quite a while to let this fact sink in.. that my father was sick. He was hospitalized that time.. suffering, in pain.. when i was here living my life all the same. Seeing him on the hospital bed, unable to move without support, even turn.. shook the very earth below my feet. That picture.. that scary moment.. is sticked to my eyes it seems, cos i never seem to forget that. Here was the man who gave me life, taught me to walk, ran with me in life's struggles, made me the person i am today, capable to be able to write this now... lying on a bed, unable to move himself, needed support for the smallest turn he had to make. It couldn't get worse than that for me. This feeling had stayed with me ever since.. Never in my worst nightmares, could i imagine seeing him like that. The whole Twist of Tales started right there.
I have never seen so much of a hospital as i did in the last 10 months of my life. I had begun to get sick of it.. i begged for him to get well asap.. so we can all go home once and for all. I hated myself, for seeing him like that.. one because i did not like it like that.. and more because i felt helpless there.. i could'nt do anything to make it all go away.. to be able to ease his pain.
My visits to delhi had become often.. especially from airport to hospital directly. It had been a scary journey all along. None of us being medically proficient, we had left it all in the doctor's hands, hoping that would be the wise thing to do then.
And then 5 months later from the day when i first got this horrible news, my dad was home. He had been discharged.. with a whole prescription of medicines.. and precautions and regular check ups.. but atleast he was back home.. the very fact was so less painful to bear. I remember visiting home during Rakshabandhan this year. To my surprise, both mom and dad came to receive me at the airport.. just imagine my joy seeing dad there! He looked as normal as a healthy dad could look like.. he had been going to office also.. his medication had been reduced to perhaps a few tablets a day.. his visits to the hospital had become biweekly.. he was getting all better by each passing day.. i could not stop but thank god for making him get well soon. That vacation had been a memorable one.. the best ever perhaps.. After ages, our whole family went out for a movie.. my dad being super excited about it.. and so was i.. getting to see the joy on his face again.. the spark back in his eyes.. and the wit back in his head. I had not seen his mind so relaxed since his own realization of the fact that he was not well. He had been scared.. and it showed on his face. But during those 2 weeks, i somehow got my assurance that everything will be ok now.. we won't have to see so much hospital again.. my dad had finally made it through this tough time.. he had gotten better and happier.. and i took such a great sigh of relief.. my every breath thanking god for doing this favour to me. But.. the twist in my tale wasn't over yet.
It couldn't possibly be that simple for me..
My dad was recommended to go for a treatment called Bone Marrow Transplant. He was not all that convinced in the beginning.. but as time went by, and he came across other patients with similar problem, actually have had gone through the treatment themselves, narrating their own experiences.. he sort of got a little bit of confidence. And as my dad was, all curious.. he did his own research on this thing.. to show us proof of success of this treatment.. and more to convince himself that it would be the right thing to go for it. Finally, he was all done taking medicines.. his body was all good, almost rid of the disease, and his mind was all set for getting treated asap and get over with it. And so he got admitted again, probably to his and our satisfaction, one last time to the hospital for this apparently one month long treatment. He was supposed to be back home sometime around Diwali this year.. and i madly awaited that day.. when he'll be back n i'll be going home.. and we'll be celebrating.
Two weeks into the treatment, responding decently well to it.. my mom calls up one day, sounding most worried and scared as i've ever heard her, asking me if i could come over early.. She scared me like hell that time.. she gave me shivers.. it was the start of Dusshera weekend.. and i told her i'll come. I so found out when i reached, that my dad suddenly had difficulty breathing, and was moved to ICU for a complete 24 hr watch.. and that he was put on a Ventilator. No matter how strong i pretended to be for my mom there, how much i tried convincing her it'll all be ok.. i couldn't help it when i saw my dad in the ICU.. i lost all my words.. my fear, my anxiety, my agony, my pain.. it all just got together and starting flowing from my eyes. I pray no child ever gets to see such a horrible day in life. My life had revolved around this one man that now laid in front of me, actually fighting for his life.. with doctors telling us to pray for a miracle to happen. If there was ever a time in my life, when i'd beleive in all existing superstitions and do unbeleivable things, it was then.. just to get my dad back. My life had somehow come to a standstill.. when all i was doing was wait and watch, that was the kind of helpless i felt there. 2 days into the whole scenario, and my dad was gone.. forever.
I had lost my father.. lost the life because of whom i existed.. lost my very creator.. and lost all my hope and faith with him. The mere existence of this man gave purpose to my life, gave meaning to it.. because all my ambitions in one way or the other, were related to him. All future plans had him in them, with very important role to play. I had gone far enough to the extent of watching my kids play with him.. and know him just the way i had. But.. it was all over.. my father was gone and so were the dreams, the ambitions, the goals, the purpose and the meaning from my life. Just when i thought everything was getting ok, everything was getting better.. everything went wrong! The one thing that i dreaded most in life actually happened, and i could not figure out how i was supposed to react to it. I had turned numb.

Its been 2 months now, since my father passed away.. and there had not been a day when i hadn't thought of him, or remebered his silly jokes and his face with the usual nasty smirk on it. Somehow, thats how i remember him now.. smiling or laughing on his own silly joke, cos perhaps thats how he always was. And its this thought that reminds me that life will never be the same again.. cos he won't be there in it, and that all plans need to be revised, his role has to be substituted or taken out of the picture.. but i just dont have the courage to do this. His presence made all the difference, and i guess so does his absence. Its just that i was so used to , and so liked the presence part, that i hate to think about the absence. My dad was the best thing to ever happen to me, and his death the worst, a loss to last a lifetime.

This twist of tales was the biggest in my life, affecting it to the core, with aftereffects to stay with me forever. But today when i write this, i dedicate this blog to my DAD, because of whom i am whatever i am today, and from whom i inherited this very art of writing. I made myself beleive that when he gave up on his life, it was because his pain had grown beyond imagination, and suffering beyond taking. So i hope that he has found his peace now, and i hope he never has to suffer again. I loved him when he was alive, and even then never had the courage to tell him, perhaps because i was just as shy as he was, when it came to voicing emotions out loud, and i love him still when he's gone, cos thats one feeling death can't erase. No matter where life takes me, or whatever happens, he'll be missed at every phase of it.