Guilty for Feeling Good....

Its unfair that i have to feel this way... or should i say life's unfair altogether. I'd never realized that it'll hit me so bad, so hard... that it'll become impossible to take. I've turned into a loner, a saddist, a bore. Whenever in company, good funny company for that matter, i lose my wit, i have nothing to say. I'll often turn into a dumb nerd among crowds.
Anyways, the point is, it has become difficult to feel good, not because i'm not finding reasons to feel good... trust me i've many... but everytime time i get the feel good feeling, it's followed by guilty pangs, by remorse, like its a crime that i'm feeling jolly. Like for example, yesterday there were lots of happenings around me. It was my lover's birthday... big reason to feel good, even though i couldn't be with him, it just felt good to be able to wish him, send him flowers and talk to him. I left from office as usual in office cab, and luckily the driver had a decent collection of punjabi dance nos., that he did not mind playing at full volume. That livened me up even at the end of a long tiring day.. and i was enjoying everything about that moment... the music, the journey, the thoughts that filled my head, the breeze... and then a thought hit me. It was as if it almost slapped me and brought me back to reality, to firm ground. And i hated myself for feeling good right that instant. The thought was of my Dad... the one person i'll never be able to see or talk to in this life again...
Even though his thought, his memory is always a pleasant one, whenever i think of him and try to imagine his presence in my present, it hits me like a boulder has been dropped on my heart. It pains, and i seem to drown in guilt and remorse.. guilt for not being there for him, guilt for not being able to do anything for him, guilt for not being able to make the most of my time with him... cos i always thought there's a lot of time... and then guilt for how could i be so happy even without him... how could i feel good... how could i enjoy....
I'm parted from my lover... not forever, but yes definitely for a long period of time... the longest separation since we met.. the one that happens when you are in a relationship and are blinded by practicality and think its ok to part for a while... Anyways, now that he's miles n miles away from me, i miss him.. terribly.. and i miss the good times we spent together. But when i do manage to cheer myself up by diverting my thoughts, or meeting friends... i seem to be able to do a good job at it... and i end up with that feel good feeling... and then it hits me again... the guilt. How could i be so happy without him.. how could i enjoy or party wen he's not around... how can i feel good when i should be feeling all sad and gloomy... and honestly after all these hows enter my head, you should see my face... its like someone sucked life out me... all color gone... all life gone... And all that effort to make myself happy.. gone down the drain! I'm guilty for feeling good.... and this guilt is killing me!

Failing and falling at the same time..

I'm failing in life.. i'm failing on expectations.. i'm failing to fulfill responsibilities.. i'm failing to cope... i'm even failing in failing. I always thought i'm a good decision maker.. that i'm wise and that i get life. This is why i always made the decisions of my life, always decided on what route my life will go on next, and how. I took advice from the wiser men and women in my life, but eventually did only what felt right and comfy to me. I did make some poor choices in life, walked on tumbling steps, but recovered fast. I learned the hard way.. but atleast i learnt.. or thats what i used to believe until now.

I don't think i learnt from my mistakes.. i don't think i'd been wise at all.. n i definitely do not get life. As for being decisive, i've completely failed on that end. I've lost the ability to make sensible decisions, to figure out a smooth walkable path for myself, to watch my steps before i tumble badly. I've lost it all. I've become a failure with my life.. and i get it now.

I'm falling.. not in love.. but apart... i'm falling apart. I'm breaking inside.. and so is my wit, my courage, my determination, my strength and my values. I've become a quitter rather than a fighter i always thought i was. I quit on things and run away from them. I don't retaliate, i don't speak up, i don't fight.. i just turn around and run away. I'm damaged and wounded..... deep inside.

And in the midst of all this, i've been placed in a precarious role. I've been sought to make decisions, or to help in making decisions... big ones.. life altering ones.. My advice is sought.. my advice.. under the impression that i'm smart and i know what i'm doing, or what i should be doing. I'm sought after to make life easier.. under the impression that i'm capable enough to deal with life, that i can do it. But i can't.. I'm so incapable and unfit for the role.. i feel so incapacitated.. so helpless... i don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this... any of this...I'm not prepared.. i can't be.. i was left aghast..

I've experienced events i wasn't ready for, seen things i couldn't imagine and done stuff i never thought i was capable of. I've cremated my father with these very hands i write this post with, at a time when it was least expected of him to go... and my mom's seeking me out to help her decide the course of our lives, which he would've done if he were alive today. I'm expected to fill in his void, step in his shoes.. i can't.. i'm not prepared for this.. i'll never be ready. And yet i can't escape from the fact that he's gone.. and mom's all alone now.. and she too is highly unprepared.. and i can't leave her to deal with it all by herself. Somehow she believes i can make it all right for her.. i'm not so sure.. but i can't quit and run from here.. there's just no escape route or fire exit this side.