Failing and falling at the same time..

I'm failing in life.. i'm failing on expectations.. i'm failing to fulfill responsibilities.. i'm failing to cope... i'm even failing in failing. I always thought i'm a good decision maker.. that i'm wise and that i get life. This is why i always made the decisions of my life, always decided on what route my life will go on next, and how. I took advice from the wiser men and women in my life, but eventually did only what felt right and comfy to me. I did make some poor choices in life, walked on tumbling steps, but recovered fast. I learned the hard way.. but atleast i learnt.. or thats what i used to believe until now.

I don't think i learnt from my mistakes.. i don't think i'd been wise at all.. n i definitely do not get life. As for being decisive, i've completely failed on that end. I've lost the ability to make sensible decisions, to figure out a smooth walkable path for myself, to watch my steps before i tumble badly. I've lost it all. I've become a failure with my life.. and i get it now.

I'm falling.. not in love.. but apart... i'm falling apart. I'm breaking inside.. and so is my wit, my courage, my determination, my strength and my values. I've become a quitter rather than a fighter i always thought i was. I quit on things and run away from them. I don't retaliate, i don't speak up, i don't fight.. i just turn around and run away. I'm damaged and wounded..... deep inside.

And in the midst of all this, i've been placed in a precarious role. I've been sought to make decisions, or to help in making decisions... big ones.. life altering ones.. My advice is sought.. my advice.. under the impression that i'm smart and i know what i'm doing, or what i should be doing. I'm sought after to make life easier.. under the impression that i'm capable enough to deal with life, that i can do it. But i can't.. I'm so incapable and unfit for the role.. i feel so incapacitated.. so helpless... i don't know what to do. I'm not ready for this... any of this...I'm not prepared.. i can't be.. i was left aghast..

I've experienced events i wasn't ready for, seen things i couldn't imagine and done stuff i never thought i was capable of. I've cremated my father with these very hands i write this post with, at a time when it was least expected of him to go... and my mom's seeking me out to help her decide the course of our lives, which he would've done if he were alive today. I'm expected to fill in his void, step in his shoes.. i can't.. i'm not prepared for this.. i'll never be ready. And yet i can't escape from the fact that he's gone.. and mom's all alone now.. and she too is highly unprepared.. and i can't leave her to deal with it all by herself. Somehow she believes i can make it all right for her.. i'm not so sure.. but i can't quit and run from here.. there's just no escape route or fire exit this side.