Guilty for Feeling Good....

Its unfair that i have to feel this way... or should i say life's unfair altogether. I'd never realized that it'll hit me so bad, so hard... that it'll become impossible to take. I've turned into a loner, a saddist, a bore. Whenever in company, good funny company for that matter, i lose my wit, i have nothing to say. I'll often turn into a dumb nerd among crowds.
Anyways, the point is, it has become difficult to feel good, not because i'm not finding reasons to feel good... trust me i've many... but everytime time i get the feel good feeling, it's followed by guilty pangs, by remorse, like its a crime that i'm feeling jolly. Like for example, yesterday there were lots of happenings around me. It was my lover's birthday... big reason to feel good, even though i couldn't be with him, it just felt good to be able to wish him, send him flowers and talk to him. I left from office as usual in office cab, and luckily the driver had a decent collection of punjabi dance nos., that he did not mind playing at full volume. That livened me up even at the end of a long tiring day.. and i was enjoying everything about that moment... the music, the journey, the thoughts that filled my head, the breeze... and then a thought hit me. It was as if it almost slapped me and brought me back to reality, to firm ground. And i hated myself for feeling good right that instant. The thought was of my Dad... the one person i'll never be able to see or talk to in this life again...
Even though his thought, his memory is always a pleasant one, whenever i think of him and try to imagine his presence in my present, it hits me like a boulder has been dropped on my heart. It pains, and i seem to drown in guilt and remorse.. guilt for not being there for him, guilt for not being able to do anything for him, guilt for not being able to make the most of my time with him... cos i always thought there's a lot of time... and then guilt for how could i be so happy even without him... how could i feel good... how could i enjoy....
I'm parted from my lover... not forever, but yes definitely for a long period of time... the longest separation since we met.. the one that happens when you are in a relationship and are blinded by practicality and think its ok to part for a while... Anyways, now that he's miles n miles away from me, i miss him.. terribly.. and i miss the good times we spent together. But when i do manage to cheer myself up by diverting my thoughts, or meeting friends... i seem to be able to do a good job at it... and i end up with that feel good feeling... and then it hits me again... the guilt. How could i be so happy without him.. how could i enjoy or party wen he's not around... how can i feel good when i should be feeling all sad and gloomy... and honestly after all these hows enter my head, you should see my face... its like someone sucked life out me... all color gone... all life gone... And all that effort to make myself happy.. gone down the drain! I'm guilty for feeling good.... and this guilt is killing me!